I started to write something different but when I sat down at the computer, all I could think about was how much I just needed to be honest. Some days are harder than others to focus on the positive. Some days, that silver lining is a little more elusive. And yes, even though I'm a preacher's wife, sometimes God seems just a little further away.
My first reaction is usually to try and keep my feelings locked up tight inside, like I'm keeping a secret from the Lord. Yet He knows me inside and out, knows my every thought before I even think it. So I am fairly confident that when I am wrestling and questioning and basically heartsick, that He knows. It's best to just get it on out there, tell Him out loud exactly how I feel, even if that means admitting that I'm mad at Him. He's a big God. He can take it. Once it's out there, then He and I can start dealing with it. The healing can begin.
Does that sound anything like you or am I the only one?
Anyway, I heard from so many of you through email, text, Facebook and comments here and I am most appreciative. Thank you for giving me the freedom to share despite the fact that the cold hard truth can be quite ugly at times.
So here's my question for you today:
What do you do when you're at the end of your rope? Pray? Bake? Walk? Call a friend?
For example, after I spent quite a bit of the morning just wallowing around, I got up and cleaned out my pantry. It turned out to be the perfect thing, that little "kick in the pants" that I needed to get going again, to take my mind totally off Lily and helmets and hitting and therapy..... Afterwards, I felt like my mind was almost as clean as my pantry - trash thrown out, necessities back in place and everything neatly organized.
Sounds a little silly, but it worked for me.
So tell me - what do you do when you feel like you're about to snap?
I hang on. I do whatever it takes. I envy your faith; I'm so "I don't know" about God. So I just hang on, and draw strength from people like you, people who understand - from knowing I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU.
Yep, organizing is a big one for me. It's like, if I can't control one aspect of my life, then I'll take control of something else and make it nice, neat, organized and somehow that makes me feel like I have control over more than just that thing. Also, exercise really helps me. I can be so stressed out, go work out, and come out having a hard time remembering why whatever it is seemed like such a big deal. Releasing the aggression or stress or whatever it is in a physical way really helps me.
ReplyDeleteI pray--a LOT . . . and talk with trusted friends. Sometimes I go where I can talk OUT LOUD to God--just as you said. It helps. My best place for privacy to talk out loud (if I'm at home) is by my washing machine! I'm always sure my husband won't be following me there! Another favorite place is in the car driving. Now that people can think you're talking on a cell phone with an earpiece they can't see, it's no longer so strange to be driving down the road talking out loud!
ReplyDeleteI usually put on a piece of music and dance...last week, I put on my point shoes and gave myself a 15 minute ballet class in my kitchen with Bach blaring as loud as I could get it! But if it's a really bad I try to do something for someone else...takes my mind off of myself and allows God to talk to me through blessings...oh... and if none of that works...I buy shoes...:-)
ReplyDeleteYou know, I am so grateful for a God that willingly takes my anger and still loves me...His grace is amazing...
I agree, God knows what I'm thinking anyway so I don't hide it from Him. In the beginning of my grief I blogged a good bit, now I try to think of the gifts in my life and thank God for them. Admittedly it doesn't always completely change my mood, but it has helped. Have you read Ann Voskamp? She has a great blog and a book called One Thousand Gifts that has really helped me.
ReplyDeleteYour honesty and transparency with God as well as with those you share with on your blog or other trusted friends is the best thing. It helps to get it off our chest. God does know us and he can take all we dish out. All of us get in the flesh, depressed, down and out, and you are no different. The only difference between us...you have a different calling on your life...a preacher's wife, mother of a special needs child as well as your other two daughters and all that these bring alone is overwhelming at times. I admire and respect your honesty, transparency and vulnerability. Now, what I do...talk about it first..to God, to trusted friend, or journal it out, then go do something I like. Generally, it could be working on my genealogy, sewing, or cleaning out something, or going to town. Anything to move and get my mind off it. I also put on some praise music. After a while I am usually doing much better. I agree with Mary about talking out loud to God while your in the car....I have done that sooooo many times and no one thinks about some woman moving her mouth (like she is singing to a song on the radio..LOL or think she is on the phone). That in itself is a trip worth taking. LOL
ReplyDeleteI pray, walk, or read the Bible. These help me tremendously. I had to do this several times while vacationing with a difficult family member in New York. It worked. Colleen
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like we know what to do when we feel like we're about to lose it! And it sounds like most of us do something that allows us to "free our minds" from the problem for a little while. By doing that, we regain the strength we need to keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteNo matter the cause, we all have those moments when we think we can't take another thing. Just knowing we're not alone can be so reassuring.
Cecilia - I do have the book One Thousand Gifts but haven't taken the time to read it yet. Will move it up to the nightstand and start this weekend.
I sing hymns. It started when Jake was born. I was so in love with that sweet new thing, but I grieved terribly that I would never give birth to any more babies. I was only 25. I didn't know many lullabies, but I had the words of many, many hymns hidden in my heart. I'd rock him in the night and comfort the both of us by singing hymn after hymn after hymn. I still do it. If I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable singing aloud, I sing in my head. I put myself to sleep singing hymns in my head. I've been doing it a lot lately.
ReplyDeleteAmy - I hate that you are singing so many hymns right now! Not that hymns aren't a good thing but the reason behind them makes me a bit sad for you. I remember when we moved to VA and didn't know a soul. Ryan got to go to work everyday and meet people but it was just me, the introvert, alone in the house with baby Ryley all day. It's so hard starting over but you will do it! And one day (when you come back home where you belong!) it will be hard to leave CR, believe it or not. I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayers, Lana. It's not too bad, but I haven't been alone yet. School starts tomorrow, and I may crumble a bit. I just haven't had time to bother so far. The hymns are mainly to just get my brain to stop running through to-do lists in my head. I'm a list person like you!
ReplyDeleteI HAVE to organize too! I may be completely exhausted but I have to clean and organize- it is the only thing I can control! But what helps most is pouring it out to God- many nights I go to my car when everyone else is asleep and cry my eyes out and pray and talk to God- even yell at and question God, and He is always there reassuring me of His love and plan for my life and my son's life. I have a great friend who constantly reminds me that God gave PArker to me and gave me to him because He KNEW it was best for both of us, and that is incredibly encouraging!
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