Monday, August 8, 2011

Sick and Tired

Warning - Today's post is brutally honest, quite negative, and therefore, not uplifting in the least.  I apologize.  Let's just say it was not the best of weekends.

I am sick and tired.

Sick and tired of:
  • my child needing an adult buddy just to be able to attend church.
  • wondering if I'll ever watch my child in a children's church choir.
  • seeing my child's peers progress while mine remains so far behind.
Sick and tired of:
  • my child hitting herself in the head.
  • hearing my child hit herself in the head through the baby monitor.
  • putting my child to bed with a helmet on then having to sneak in and take it off once she's asleep.
  • hearing the loud "thwap" of my child hitting her helmet.
  • seeing my child wear a helmet more often than not. 
Sick and tired of:
  • therapy - behavioral, speech, occupational, music..... all of it.
  • the iPad, the iPod, and any communication device other than a voice.
  • progress reports, program sheets, and trying to teach my child things that should be instinctual.
Sick and tired of:
  • reading and researching and constantly looking for something, anything, that might help my child.
  • always having to advocate for my child.
  • being one of those moms.
Sick and tired of:
  • wondering if my child will ever speak.
  • always attempting to figure out what my child is trying to say.
  • just trying to get through the day instead of really enjoying it.
  • not getting to play with my child like other moms.
I am sick and tired of being different.

I am sick and tired of special needs.

I am sick and tired of autism.

I am just tired.


12 comments:

  1. Grateful for your family ... especially today. Praying specifically for these things.

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  2. Lana,
    I pray for you so often. Although our situations are very different, they are also very similar in many ways. Your blog is the first thing I read each morning because you have such a gift for writing. Although I hate that you have to write a blog like the one today, I SO appreciate your honesty in doing so because it lets me know I'm not alone in feeling that same way. Love you! Amy

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  3. Big hugs and lots of prayers for all of you.

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  4. Sweet Lana, Your honesty is being true to yourself. You are still loved, still cherished and still accepted. Be strengthened that others have felt the same pain, the same hurt, the same tiredness. Be comforted to know that your heart issues are Christ's issues and he cares to the very depths of your soul. I am sorry you are going through this. I know Christ will show you the way.I am hoping for you today, Janelle

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  5. You know what? I am sick of it too..and I don't understand it! I wish that Lily could communicate with you, play with her peers, and sing like a bird in a children's choir.

    BUT...if God knew what he was doing when he gave Lily to you...Your patience, honesty and tenacity are a gift to so many peeps...

    I pray for you...and I love you ...word

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  6. My heart breaks with you. Thank your for always sharing your heart so openly and honestly. We KNOW it's hard, so you never have to be afraid to say so.

    Praying fervently,

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  7. I wonder sometimes why things are the way they are. Our situations are different, but in some ways I understand the longing for what could have been.

    I pray for peace for you today!

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  8. I wish I could come to your house, send you away and give you just one night in a quiet hotel with dark curtains and big fluffy pillows. (If you need that, just say the word! I'll do it. I would!!)

    Thank you for being honest. I join the others in praying for peace for your sweet heart and tired brain...and for Lily to be relieved of banging her head.
    E.

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  9. We love y'all, Lana, and we continue to pray. You know what? I'm sick of it for you. I don't know if it helps or hurts to hear someone say that, but I think you're grace-filled enough to hear me say it and take it in the spirit it's intended. I'm glad His mercies are new every morning, because I imagine you need all He's got every single day. I love every inch of Lily and am so thankful for the way God shows Himself to all of us in amazing ways WE WOULDN'T GET TO SEE WITHOUT HER. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. You're a wonderful mother, Lana. We are all blessed by you, but your girls are especially blessed.

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  10. I have had a lot of these moments. A lot. Not being able to do anything other than shuttle a kid to therapy. Deal with continuous meltdowns. Have my picture on a dartboard somewhere at the school (I am sure). I am sure I will always have to struggle with feelings like these, b/c we all want the best for our kids. Have you watched Loving Lampposts? It helped me realize that there can be joy, even though things can be so hard. It's on instant Netflix right now, and I have a copy somewhere...

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  11. Jen - I'll check out the movie. Thanks for your words and I look forward to catching up with you on your blog.

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  12. We all have our sick and tired days, and the next time I have one of mine, I am coming directly to this post to affirm that, yep, I AM SICK AND TIRED.

    This week, I am sick and tired of filling out forms.

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